Leave it to Beaver

The days of “Leave it to Beaver” are over. I am certain that is not much of a news flash for you except to say, “What is Leave it to Beaver?”. (For that you will have to watch the TVland channel)

Author GK Chesterton said: "What we suffer from today is humility in the wrong place. A man was meant to be doubtful about himself, but undoubting about the truth. This is now exactly reversed." The family is a core component of a developing person. The positive or negative effects shape the individual. Unfortunately the home or family is not living up to its potential in producing great Americans in truth. Instead the fundamental truth of the family is considered expendable in today’s modern American exposure. It’s something to shed, to break out from, and to ignore. How did we get here?

Instead of blaming society, which is so easy to do, I want to focus this evotional on parenting. Being a parent myself I have gone through many lessons and experiences here are a few things I have come to understand. First off understand there are three basic approaches to parenting. First is Authoritarian, the second is Permissive and the third is Biblical. Let’s look at each one individually.

• Authoritarian

The parent that chooses this model seeks obedience in all situations. They rarely if ever consider the principle of the situation. They become over incensed about outward outbursts and are more concerned about the external conformity. They say things like, “You will do it or else” and the “or else” becomes the motivation for behavior change. Principles that penetrate the heart never take hold and as a result manipulation on behalf of the child becomes a common occurrence. In response the parent also manipulates and the relationship breaks down; for no one will stay close to a person that manipulates them.

• Permissive

As bad as you might be thinking the first one is, this one is even more dangerous. The parent that chooses this model seeks to create the right environment and bypasses any adverse behavior, thinking that if the right things are placed in front of the child they will demonstrate that “wonderful character” that they know is just waiting to come out. They equate permissiveness with love and seek the attitude in the relationship of “Why can’t we be friends”. They avoid all negative situations and emotions and do anything to keep the positives. They “love” the child, avoid conflict with the child and tolerate wrong behavior, hoping to get love in return. The liberated 1960’s psychology gave birth to this through the theory that every person at their core is “morally good”. The result is that character development never occurs and children don’t really try to reach for all they can be. The approach always backfires and causes resentment in the parent and anger in the child.

• Biblical

The parent that chooses this instructs the child with the principles behind directions. They focus on instructions and coaching that helps their children adopt their own methods of applying the principle behind the situation. In essence they give kid’s the moral and practical reason why. They invest in their kids for the future and understand the present behavior is not all the matters. They say “I want you to do this and this is why”, paying now and investing for the future.

Now, it does not obligate the parent to always explain why. The Bible tells us that foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child so they will ask why to the most odd ball situations. So here is a good groundwork of the “why” questions you should answer:

1. The why of curiosity – Example: “why do birds fly?”

2. The why of comprehension – Example: “why should we…?”

3. The why of challenge – Example: “why do I have to….?”

When you answer the curiosity, comprehension or challenge question I suggest you offer a moral reason when situation concerns people or offer a practical reason when situation concerns things.

When we look at the 3 methods, it seems clear the two wrong methods and one correct method. As we apply the third method here a few closing thoughts to consistency:

1. Expect an immediate and complete response—“Did you understand what I said?” “Repeat what I said.” (Always catches them and teaches them to listen, BTW God does this to me often)

2. Never give a command unless you intend it to be obeyed. (Parents have a responsibility to think about what they say, the typical “By I count to three…—1,2,3, actually trains them to disobey. Instead train them on obedience even if they don’t like your answer.)

3. When a child disobeys, they are in sin. (When you tuck them in at night teach them they have sinned and to ask for forgiveness. This resets the relationship with them, with you and with God. It gives them clean hearts for a new day and a fresh start. When parents continually reinforce that it gives life and confidence that no matter what they face they will succeed because God and those that love them know their deepest failures and accept them anyway.

“Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord. (Eph 6:4)