Understanding

So this last week we learned that one of our deepest needs is to be understood. Often mis-understanding comes from poor communication and since we speak only 120 words a minute and can listen to 440 words in the same time, we all communicate with a deficiency. In other words we struggle to listen and stay in engaged in a conversation.

To become a better communicator one must first become a better listener. Now, there are four different styles of listening, read below and figure out which one you are.

Four different styles of listening:

1. Empathetic

This is non-judgmental, where you capture the feeling of the person and reflect it back to them, summarizing what they said and offering no advice. This is where we listen with understanding. According to my research it is stated that 22% of people use this type of communication.

What makes this type of listening so difficult is the last part, “offering no advice” I don’t know many people, including myself who listen without offering advice. We all offer advice, in fact, we often offer unsolicited advice. Sometimes we take it a step farther, we bring up the issues. It’s not easy to listen to a person and after it’s all said just love them and walk away. I mean, especially when you know you are right--geez. It’s almost a sin to withhold information, don’t you think?

2. Advice

Speaking of, this style is where you offer unsolicited advice. I feel so much more at home on this one. Sometimes a person wants only an ear, however, we may be to busy thinking of what to say rather than listening. Used by 35%.

3. Asking for information

This style uses more questions than statements. Usually that is a good method, at least for the first few minutes of a conversation, but after awhile it becomes interrogation, and that’s not conversation. Used by 26%.

4. Critic’s response

This style seeks to correct the situation. It often offers disapproval to the situation or the person involved, you listen and write them off. We all seem to do this one and it is used over 50% of the time.

I ran across this and wanted to share it because it’s so good: “To be understood, it is not as important to listen to the words of a person as to understand their feelings.” What happens is, in being understood, there is a tendency for us to take their words and begin to offer advice based on what they have said. And a person’s feelings, and what they say may be totally different.

Let me give you a tip in your listening skills. What people want to have in being understood, the first thing they want is not advice on what they are saying. What they really want is for you to look at them and say, “I understand how you feel.” They want acceptance of their feelings before they want acceptance of their words. And normally, we bypass their feelings and go straight to the words and what they are saying. When people say they want to be understood, they are basically saying, “I’m really not looking for advice. I’m not even asking for a critique on what I’ve done, as much as I’m wanting somebody to say, I understand how you feel.

So how much do you understand others?

“Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has ascended into heaven, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin. Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.” (Hebrews 4:14-16)